Some Jokes I've HeardJokes 2007
A Dog Goes Looking For A Job
A dog goes into the unemployment office and asks for help finding a job. “With your rare talent,” says the clerk, “I’m sure we can get you something in the circus.”
“The circus?” echoes the dog. “What would a circus want with a plumber?”
A Good Ol’ Boy Picks Up A Hitchhiker
A good ole’ boy picks up a hitchhiker. “Where you headed son?” he asks.
“I ain’t goin’ that far, but I’ll get you across town.”
So the hiker climbs into the Caddy and off they go. The light is red at the next intersection, and the driver roars on through with a never you mind. The hitchhiker yelps with panic. “Don’t worry,” said the driver. “My brother and I do this all the time.”
The light is red at the next intersection, and again the driver rips through without slowing.
“You can drop me off here,” says the hitchhiker.
“Don’t worry,” said the driver. “My brother and I do this all the time.”
At the next intersection the light is green. The driver stomps on the brake, and the Caddy skids to a stop.
“What is wrong with you?!” shouts the hitchhiker.
“You never know,” says the driver, “my brother might be coming the other way.”
A pastor decided to give a sermon on temperance. So he gathered four jelly jars to use as visual aids. He put dirt in the first jar, vodka in the second, cigarette butts in the third, and cupcakes in the fourth. Then he put earthworms in each jar.
On Sunday the pastor showed the jars to his congregation. The earthworms in the soil were thriving. The worms floating in the vodka were dead, as were the worms in with the cigarette butts and cupcakes.
“So,” asked the Pastor, “What is the lesson here?”
“It’s obvious,” shouted a woman from the back of the church, “As long as I drink, smoke, and eat junk food, I won’t get worms!”
My All Time Favorite Pig Joke
Ten pigs are drinking in a bar. Each pig, except one, orders beer. The one won’t drink anything. The barmaid offers to bring him a soda or water. Still he refuses. She had assumed he was the designated driver, and she had wanted to help him.
Finally her curiosity gets the better of her and so she asks the pig why he’s not drinking.
"Miss, you don’t understand," he said. "I’m the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."